Twenty-one years ago today

Twenty-one years ago today, the great love of my life died- unexpectedly- of AIDS.
Yes, it was also a leap year then- only something out-of-the-ordinary as that could accomidate such a loss for me, and for the local community of care.

One of those larger-than-life transformative radical re-definitions of one’s life- I’m referring to our time together, not his death. Too short, but so supersaturated with authentic grace. His family name was Pontbriand - shining bridge- and never was one more aptly named.

It was the darkest decade of AIDS here in Montreal: when our caring and support was often cobbled together out of little more than thin air. When even the medical establishment (and the Church of course) were treating our people like literal pariahs. Garbing, masking and gloving as if they were treating martians, leaving food trays outside their doors. And yet I don’t know if I’ve ever known more radiant, determined embodiments of grace, courage, and the determination to live authentically.

Louis hadn't been hospitalized that time however. As part of the mis-diagnosis which had failed to detect the serious KS. in his lungs he'd been fighting what was only supposed to be a flu at home.

Two days short of his returning to work as director of client care at one of the by-then handful of local AIDS organizations: after being mis-diagnosed with a flu, Louis failed to wake one morning when I was off at the dentist. His volunteer caregiver who was there that morning acted on her training and called an ambulance.

But for twenty-one years I’ve lived with the consequences of a medical procedure, built on a series of medical errors, which in the end was the immediate cause of his death.

So this morning is a quiet day here in our tiny house: giving thanks for the extraordinary gift of love we shared in our too-short time together and living with the loss- loss even now. Loss beyond words in the instance of some of the other names I can no longer even recall. Lost, but they thread their way in and out of a dark period when we all lived as giants.

Larger however than all the memories & loss: this morning is large with thankfulness- unconditional gratitude.

je t’aime 'mon grand Bonheur'